Post by Jenna:
Pardon the interruption, but I couldn’t hold in my side of this whirlwind of a journey any longer. Most of you that know me may be surprised to know it lasted this long! Ha! I’ll be adding bits and pieces from time to time so bear with me.
I’ll go ahead and begin my story around our first anniversary where our serious conversations about kids first began. We decided to take a relaxed approach and just pull the goalie. This could be fun! Being the planner that I am, I began filing ideas as to how to surprise John and tell him that we’re pregnant. This is pre-Pinterest, so I just start coming up with random things, with nothing set in stone. I love surprises and just the thought of being able to come up with clues that said “We’re going to have a baby!” was bringing me joy. Immediately, I went to Wal-Mart and began perusing the baby aisles. Being a teacher in a small town, you had to be careful with stuff like that. That’s how rumors start, after all. Naturally, I ran into someone I know right smack dab in the middle of that baby section. I don’t remember what BS excuse I gave Dawn in that aisle, but I’m just glad I hid the “I love Daddy” bib I picked up under the his and hers composition journals. I wanted to make sure we each would journal every second of our pregnancy.
A few months came and went along with my monthly visitor tagging right along. Eeeehhhh. We’re not trying, I keep telling myself. We’re just not preventing. If it happens, it happens, Right? This is when my internal excuses really began. I’m stressed. We’re moving to Miami at this point so we’re trying to sell our house. I’m teaching, coaching and getting my master’s degree. I’m trying to get over the fact that instead of accepting my tenure, I’m handing in my resignation. How am I going to adjust to life away from my mom!? Excuses were overflowing so I shrugged it off. We’re young, right!?
Fast forward a few months and my excuses continue. Only this time, John and I had lived in different states for 6 months and the timing of my trips just weren’t right. Logical excuse this time, right? Well, and now that we’re living in South Florida—let’s just live it up. I was still getting paid through the summer as well as working part time at a job I loved. Thanks, Amanda! That job allowed us to travel and live life to the fullest while we were in Florida knowing that we would be heading back to Illinois at the end of December to live in Peoria. While each month came and went with no signs of pregnancy, our relationship had grown and our marriage was flourishing. I was the happiest I had ever been; however, there was only one thing missing.
I’m going to go ahead and lump a few years together. We’re settled in Peoria. Hope comes and goes each month with my period. I find an OBGYN so when I get pregnant, I don’t have to switch Drs. I mention our situation and immediately he wants an ultrasound and writes a prescription for a semen sample analysis. I attend my ultrasound and everything seems normal; however, the prescription for the semen analysis remained untouched. I start to extensively chart my basal temp each morning, chart my cycles, and take a few months of home ovulation kits. Everything seems normal, except my sleeping patterns at this point. This couldn’t be some sort of issue with John, could it? Excuses continue to flow. It is John’s travel with work. Timing isn’t right. I’m not doing something right. Why aren’t we pregnant!? I thought I’d have my first child around 24 and now I’m nearly 30. Something needs to be done. Tension starts to grow, relationship begins to dwindle, and the unspoken truth is avoided.
I again get an ultrasound from my OBGYN and again a semen analysis is ordered for John, yet this time he complies. For whatever reason there is not sperm in his ejaculate and because of his age they deem the sample inconclusive and request he see an urologist. Let me tell you about the first time we walk into the urologist’s office. I honestly didn’t know what to expect but I can tell you what happened next, wasn’t it. Dr comes in, starts to ask about our story and asks John to stand up, and drop his drawers. John looks at me like WTF, but it’s too late. The Dr goes in for the kill and I have “OMG I had no idea that was going to happen” look on my face, I’m trying to hold back my awkward fill the silence laughter and thinking John might divorce me after this appointment. The next diagnosis came back with zero sperm, with treatment of Tshots and clomid and that’s when our world was flipped upside down.
The world at that point for me wasn’t over. So, John doesn’t have sperm. That doesn’t mean we can’t have kids. This treatment will work and if it doesn’t, there are plenty of other ways in my mind. John didn’t quite feel the same way. When he got the call, he shut down. Shut down hard. We talked and cried for a few hours the night the diagnosis came back. I felt like I was being 100% supportive at the time, so when all the sudden John doesn’t show up for work the next day and flees town without notice, I couldn’t help but think I did something wrong. Was it me being too optimistic? I mean I know I always find the positive in situations, but had I gone too far? What did I do that was so upsetting? What did I say? Why am I being punished for this? Why is he leaving me because of this? This news is upsetting for me too, but why is this my fault? Last I checked we were in this together, but clearly I was wrong. When I say we faked our way through the remainder of the year, it’s no joke. Most people wouldn’t know there were any issues; however, it felt like we were more roommates than partners. Excuses on both ends need to stop. Finally in October of 2014 shit literally hit the fan, along with a plethora of excuses, and I left home for a short time for the first time ever.